Attack of the Viewers
by Ariana Deralte
Summary: A humourous look at Attack of the Clones. *warning - spoilers*


A/N: My friend Isha and I saw Episode II. This was the result. The scenes may be slightly out of order in places. Blame this on my inability to remember the order of the movie when Lucas keeps jumping in between so many scenes. 

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The movie opens with suspiciously familiar music.

            Me: Déjà vu…now where's my black cat?

The yellow text scrolls by.

            Me: laughing at it's simplicity and the stuff randomly in caps

Padme's ship lands. Mr. Soldier gets out of the fighter and talks to his copilot.

            Me: Hmm, why's he talking to Padme…

            Isha: Can't you tell? There's threatening music…

The ship blows up.

            Me: I see…

            Isha: Pretty explosion…

The decoy dies.

            Me: Emote Padme. Emote. It's the last chance you'll get in this movie.

The Jedi are having tea with Palpatine.

            Me: Tea with the Dark Lord. LOL! 

They talk.

            Me: Nope. Lucas' dialogue hasn't improved.

            Isha: At least it's not as bad as Howard the Duck.

Padme shows up. 

            Me: Ye gads! They dressed up Jar Jar. Is it just me or has his accent gotten worse?

            Isha: It's worse than that! They tried to make him…intelligent…

Palpatine says they'll spank her if she doesn't accept Jedi bodyguards. 

            Me: Does anyone else notice how pussy whipped Palpatine has everyone?

Obi-wan and Anakin go meet Amidala. Anakin throws a tantrum. 

            Me: Teenagers.

People keep conviently leaving rooms so that other people can talk together. 

            Me: (Obi-wan) Anakin she thinks you're hot. Stop whining and giving her a look like you're going to rape her. 

Padme is left to sleep alone.

            Me: I swear that is not a natural sleeping position. 

            Isha: Silly, she was waiting for Ani to follow through with that look…

Boba Fett's evil twin…I mean father sends someone to kill Padme.

            Me: (Jango) And bring me back some cheetos while you're at it!

Obi-wan and Anakin talk again.

            Me: (Obi-wan) We're Master and apprentice. See how I keep calling him my young padawan?

            Isha: No wonder Ani throws so many hissy-fits.

The rather cool bug things try to kill Padme. R2 is no help. Anakin leaps in and kills the bugs.

            Me: Way to give her a hair cut Ani!

            Isha: (Padme) You mean you weren't going to rape me?

Obi-wan jumps out the window.

            Me: Sh*t!

There is a rather exhilarating chases scene.

            Me: Does anyone else think it's a bit ridiculous how these people keep jumping into thin air and miraculously landing on things? 

Anakin does something foolish so that Obi-wan can say an amusing line.

            Me: They would make a great stand up comic team…not…

They follow shape shifting lady into a bar.

            Me: See Ani. These are women you _can give your lecherous look to. _

Obi-wan goes to get a drink.

            Me: Yeah, Obi-wan. You'll need it…mutters Typical Scot…

Anakin gets lots of looks.

            Me: (female patrons) Ooo, a Jedi. I hear they're very good with their lightsabers…

Obi-wan uses his mind control for unethical reasons.

            Me: That was funny, but no wonder Ani is so confused.

            Isha: Shouldn't that guy be pimping a woman in a red dress?

Shape shifting lady tried to kill Obi-wan. He whips out his…lightsaber and takes her prisoner.

            Me: (monotone) Gosh. That wasn't familiar at all.

Shape shifting lady dies before doing anything useful.

            Me: yawn

            Isha: checks watch

Obi-wan examines how she died.

            Me: You know Obi-wan. Picking up poison darts with your bare hands is usually not a good idea.

The Jedi want Padme to go home. They send Anakin to talk Palpatine into convincing her to go home.

            Me: Yes, let's send our young apprentice out to talk to the head of the Galactic Senate. Do I hear ominous music playing? 

            Isha: You  mean there's a soundtrack?

Padme is convinced to go home.

            Me: Did Palpaptine adopt Padme when I wasn't looking?

            Isha: Just that pussy-whipping and spanking you mentioned earlier, I'm sure.  After all, she isn't getting any from Ani…

Anakin is assigned to be her bodyguard.

            Me: (Obi-wan) Sure, I say he's not ready. But I'm only his Master…I'm sure the Council knows best.

            Isha: Smackdown from Yoda!

Anakin and Padme talk while she packs.

            Me: Doesn't she have servants to do that?...Ye gads, the dialogue! Make it stop!

            Isha: covers ears while Ani whines Is he done yet?

Jar-jar is made senator. 

            Me: laughing hilariously

            Isha: blinks This isn't a good thing.  He's going to do something stupid…

Anakin and Padme leave. People say goodbye to them, including a crying lady and the Captain Panaka look alike.

            Me: Can we say clone?...Why the heck is she crying? 

            Isha: Wouldn't you cry too if you were in this movie?

Obi-wan meanwhile, is sent to find the bounty hunter dude. He talks to an alien with a Scottish accent.

            Me: I didn't know they had dinner's in a galaxy far, far away….

Alien tells him to look for the planet Kamino.

            Me: Lucas named a planet after a car…Kill me now…

Anakin and Padme arrive on Naboo with no problems except Anakin is still a jerk. This seems to turn Padme on though.

            Me: They must be talking off screen or something, 'cause there is no way a relationship could develop like this.

            Isha: Maybe it was all the spankings from Palpatine?

Obi-wan looks in the library like any good bookworm. 

            Me: The library looks suspiciously like the library at Trinity College in Dublin…Don't think they have alien head busts there though.

Obi-wan discovers a planet is missing. Librarian lady doesn't help.

            Me: Dude! You don't want to piss off a librarian.

            Isha: Not one that looks like she might eat you with the chopsticks in her hair…

Obi-wan goes to Yoda and his little minions for help.

            Me: Hey Obi-wan. Aren't you glad you got to be made a fool to further a plot point? 

            Isha: Aw, cute little Jedi.  At least the starmap is cool…

The kiddie points out the obvious.

            Me: Wow. Even a five year old can figure out this film.

            Isha: You're giving it too much credit.

Anakin and Padme meanwhile talk on a balcony and then kiss.

            Me: Ani needs a bit more experience in kissing. She is so not into this.

            Isha: Well, considering he'd only have Palpatine's guidance to go by… Unless you think Obi-Wan was giving him lessons?

Obi-wan heads to the car planet where he is expected. 

            Me: Well, Obi-wan wearing his cloak was cool.

            Isha: Hey, his ship isn't that bad either.

Obi-wan talks to the head car guy.

            Me: Someone wet down and combed Obi-wan's hair for him. How sweet.

            Isha: drools over Obi-Wan's eyes

He finds out that old Jedi Master Catavitis (or something) ordered the army, but he was either a) dead at that point b) died soon after. (The movie was not very clear…though I'm pretty sure (as is Isha) that it was a)

            Me: Oooo, what a fiendish and brilliant plot on Palpatine's part. Making an army to defeat a now growing foe, obviously in his pocket, and then using the threat to take power…Wait. I'm not supposed to have figured this out yet am I?

Meanwhile, Anakin and Padme are having fun in the fields.

            Me: (singing) The hills are alive with the sounds of music. Damn dialogue…

They have a somewhat serious talk on a picnic.

            Me: (Padme) I like him, but why does he keep giving me that look like he's going to rape me?

Obi-wan sees the clone army. 

            Me: He looks more like he's reviewing his grocery list.

            Isha: No.  He's got too much of a stupid grin for that.

He meets Jango Fett.

            Me: (Jango Fett) My name is Fett. Jango Fett…Aw, isn't little Boba cute…

They talk with each other. 

            Me: yawn

            Isha: The lightning in the background is kinda cool.

            Me: Yes, but when the lightening steals the scene…

Anakin and Padme have a serious talk.

            Me: Wow. That dialogue wasn't bad and they were both acting…

            Isha: (Padme) Lucas had this outfit made so Ani would have to rape me just so I could breathe! Why hasn't he done it yet?

Obi-wan makes a long distance call to Yoda and Mace.

            Me: (Mace) Obi-wan, didn't we tell you never to use this line?

            Isha: (Obi-Wan) Maybe I shouldn't have called collect…

Obi-wan is ordered after Jango. Semi-cool fight scene.

            Me: Aw, he taught Boba how to use the Slave's laser rifles.

            Isha: Is it just me, or is Lucas trying to relive the Statue of Liberty scene from X-Men?

Anakin has a nightmare.

            Me: laughing

            Isha: Hugh Jackman's hotter.

Anakin and Padme have a serious talk on the balcony.

            Me: So let me get this straight. Their rooms are right next to each other and they share a balcony?

They decide to go after Anakin's mother.

            Me: I guess the Jedi don't have very good family plans.

Obi-wan follows Jango and son to Saturn…I mean some other planet. Cool sonic bombs. Jango thinks he has killed Obi-wan. Boba is happy.

            Me: (Boba) Cool dad. Let's kill another Jedi tomorrow.

Meanwhile, Anakin and Padme arrive on Tatoonine.

            Me: How convenient that no one protested Anakin taking the senator off the planet…

There they have a not so touching reunion with Watto. He tells Anakin that he sold Shime to someone who married her for some unknown reason. (This is never explained…I subscribe to the sexual blackmail theory.)

            Me: (Padme) Dammit! I want a line! 

Obi-wan walks into a gothic cathedral where the evil people are meeting. Count "Pity about the Name" Dooku explains the plot in very small words for people to understand.

            Me: (Obi-wan) Well, I've already heard enough to explain the plot to the five year olds. But let me stay a bit longer and listen to more endless dialogue.

            Isha: Shift to grade B movie status

Anakin and Padme meet the young Owen Lars and Beru.

            Me: starts diagramming the family tree I know Yoda fits in here somewhere…Owen Lars – stepbrother to a Sith lord.

Anakin is told of his mother's capture by Tusken raiders. He does nothing about this and instead asks where the blue milk is…j/k. He goes after her, leaving Padme protected by farmers.

            Me: (Padme) So, any of you want to have an intelligent discussion about galactic politics while we wait?

            Isha: (Padme) No? Well, I'll just change into yet another outfit then.

Anakin finds his mother. She mumbles a lot of dialogue and dies dramatically. Anakin gets all cold and evil. 

            Me: Wow. Original music is finally playing.

Anakin kills the Tusken raiders.

            Me: Go Ani!

Anakin brings her body back. Obi-wan attempts to send a message. It ends up going to Tatooine. He is captured in the middle of it. We never do find out what happens to the loyal R4.

            Me: (Obi-wan) Anakin. You better not be shagging the senator on Tatooine. Right, relay the rest of this message…

            Isha: Ani get lucky? considers Well, I guess he's got to eventually if he's really Luke and Leia's father…

There is a funeral. 

            Me: Why did Luke never notice these tombstones?

            Isha: Why are you looking for continuity?

Anakin tells Padme he killed all the Tusken raiders. This doesn't faze Padme.

            Me: (Padme) Wow. He's homicidal too. My perfect match.

Anakin and Padme and the Jedi all get Obi-wan's message.

            Me: Stop repeating the plot!

Padme circumvents Mace's orders to go rescue Obi-wan.

            Me: Well, I'm all for rescuing Obi-wan but can we say stupid idea here?...mutters Damn Gryffindors…

            Isha: You say that as though there were intelligence in this movie.

Obi-wan and Count "Pity about the Name" Dooku have a chat.

            Me: Did Lucas copy and past his dialogue or what?...Wonder what would have happened if Obi-wan said yes.

            Isha: A handful of us think it would make a more than interesting alternate universe.  Lots of possibilities there, and maybe we wouldn't ever have to deal with Luke…

Anakin and Padme make their way through a robot factory.

            Me: How in the world did this scene manage to be thrilling, yet dull?

They are captured.

            Me: Well that was pointless.

Meanwhile, Jar Jar is manipulated into giving Palpatine more power.

            Me: (Palpatine) My evil plan is coming into fruition…I mean thank you for your trust. I will not misuse these powers. Honest.

The Clone army is formed.

            Me: See. Attack of the Clones. Okay, so all they're doing is marching at the moment, but I'm sure they'll attack soon.

Anakin and Padme share a tender moment before they relive a scene from Gladiator.

            Me: Anakin forgot to say I love you back! Baka!

            Isha: No, no. This is Star Wars. He messed up as soon as he was confused and said "You do?" He *should* have said "I know."

            Me: And have Lucas cut and paste more dialogue?

They are all tied to pillars. Padme starts working Hoodini style while Anakin and Obi-wan work on their comic timing. Evil monsters come out.

            Me: The monsters get more introduction then some characters. 

            Isha: The tiger one would make a lovely pet if I didn't think it would eat me.

The monsters advance and each person deals with them in their own way.

            Me: So it never occurs to Anakin or Obi-wan to remove their handcuffs using the Force? Or for that matter to just stop the bloody monsters? Argh…

Droids come out to kill them.

            Me: yawn

            Isha: glances at watch Time's almost up…

The rest of the Jedi show up. 

            Me: Hey Mace. Nice of you to join the movie.

Mace does some kick ass moves as does a few other Jedi, but off screen so as not to remove from the greatness that is Mace Windu.

            Me: chanting Fight. Fight. Fight.

There is a free for all battle down in the arena. Despite their kick ass skills, many Jedi are dying. Oh yeah, and C-3PO is wandering around with the wrong body as an attempt at comic relief. 

            Me: You'd think they'd have taught Padme some basic hand to hand combat moves. She's helpless without a blaster.

Mace has a rather pointless fight with one of the monsters as does Jango Fett, who takes over in the middle and eventually loses his head to Mace.

            Me: And this got a PG rating?

The Jedi are left outnumbered and in a circle surrounded by the droids. Count "Pity about the Name" Dooku asks them to surrender and live. They refuse.

            Me: (Mace) You're mother smelt of elderberries!

Yoda arrives with the clones.

            Me: laughing hysterically General Yoda…still laughing Form perimeter you must…

Everyone is rescued in a surprisingly efficient amount of time.

            Me: Dem clones got skillz!

Except R2 and C-3PO whose time as comic relief has passed.

            Me: Poor R2…

There is a whole scene that reminded me strongly of Black Hawk Down. Lots of ships and stuff blow up.

            Me: still laughing every time Yoda is shown

Padme falls off the helicopter. Anakin wants to go after her.

            Me: wants to smack him

            Isha: Why wasn't she holding on?

He doesn't due to Obi-wan's good advice.

            Me: Thank god.

            Isha: Wait…. Ani listened to Obi-Wan?  Are you sure he's not a clone?

They confront Count "Pity about the Name, and oh yes, did I mention I'm a Sith" Dooku. 

            Me: Oh, so he _does have a lightsaber. stares intently at the curved handle and wonders about its feasibility Hmmm._

            Isha: He seems to like holding it by the hot part.

Anakin is zapped by the evil lightening.

            Me: Remind me never to give Christopher Lee the powers of darkness…

            Isha: Déjà vu.  Now where's my black kitty?

There's a kick ass, but too short fight. 

            Me: winces for Obi-wan

Anakin fights him with the promised two lightsaber scene.

            Me: yawns Too short.

            Isha: I guess they didn't want to draw too much of a comparison between Ani and Maul. 

Then they fight in the dark which is cooler. Anakin loses an arm.

            Me: trying not to laugh

            Isha: just laughs

He falls down near Obi-wan.

            Me: (Obi-wan) Don't worry Anakin. All Jedi lose a limb someday. Remember Master Oompu who used to do party tricks with his mechanical leg?

            Isha: Sad thing is, I can see him saying that…

Count "Pity about the Name and yes, I am Yoda's former apprentice who trained Qui-gon, who trained Obi-wan, who trained Anakin, who trained a terrier" Dooku starts to kill them but Yoda shows up to save them.

            Me: Twice in one movie. Go Yoda!

            Isha: cheers with audience

They have fun casting lightening at each other.

            Me: Insert reused dialogue here.

            Isha: Boy am I glad Christopher Lee can act, even when they give him horrible lines…

Meanwhile, Padme is lying on the sand moaning. She gets up and says she is alright.

            Me: (and the audience) laughing

Count "Pity about the Name, and yes I'm in the next movie" Dooku suggests they move on to the lightsaber part of the show.

            Me: still laughing Kick ass Yoda!

They fight with Yoda jumping around all over.

            Me: (Miss Piggy) Oh, Kermie. You protected me. 

For some reason, Yoda must use all his concentration to stop a pillar that Count "Yes I know I have a stupid name" Dooku cut to fall on Obi-wan and Anakin, despite Yoda not needed half as much concentration earlier in the fight to levitate things.

            Me: I was sure that size mattered not…

            Isha: My theory is that he had to use a hideous amount of concentration to be able to fight (note he can't walk most of the time) and it was more a lack of focus than the size of the pillar.

Padme arrives just in time to take a few pot shots at Dooku's fleeing ship, than runs in and kisses Anakin. 

            Me: And no one objects to this?

            Isha: Ok, so Obi-Wan and Ani couldn't stand up to get out of the way, but as soon as Padme is around to be kissed they're both on their feet…I have to wonder if the smell of burnt flesh turns her on…

Dooku arrives at Coruscant and is greeted by his Master who congratulates him for his smooth parking skills…

            Me: Voldemort! trying not to laugh and bother the people near me

 Obi-wan, Mace and Yoda are at the Jedi temple. Anakin has been sent back to Naboo with Padme.

            Me: And no one objects to this? trys not to bang head against seat in front of hers

They discuss Count "Why _is he a Count?" Dooku's revelations about the Sith in the senate._

            Me: confused Is it just me, or did their reasoning make no sense?

            Isha: Reasoning requires logic. The only people displaying logic in this movie were…um…well, Palpatine/Sidious…

On Naboo, a quiet wedding ceremony is performed with only R2 and C-3PO as witnesses, despite them being left behind oh so long ago…

            Me: I so want to make Luke watch this movie now.

            Isha: At least now we know why Leia's a bitch and Luke whines all the time. It's genetic!

Closing credits. 

            Me: Was that supposed to be a comedy?

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Disclaimer: Star Wars, The Matrix, the muppets, Monty Python and Harry Potter do not belong to us. 

A/N: Just for the record, since people seem to be rather confused about this. Isha and I saw the movie separately (in fact we live on different continents and saw it at different times…) So neither of us were saying these comments during the movie. In fact, I made sure I didn't laugh out loud even when I was amused, just so I didn't disturb the people next to me. I wrote this after I had seen it and sent it to her. She sent it back with her comments. It's as simple as that. 

Well, what did everyone think? Feel free to comment as you see fit. Review:)


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